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2) You’d better leave your insecurities at the proverbial door, because while people accept that we come with a level of baggage, it is highly unattractive to be in relationships with people whose baggage permeates everything and who appear to need reassurance, validation, affirmation, and discussions above and beyond the comfort levels of even the healthiest of people.

3) It is not the responsibility of men to raise you from the ground up.

Just like we are not responsible for fixing, healing, and helping men and raising them from the ground up, because it is likely to doom your relationship and is forcing the hand of change, it is no different when the shoes are on the male foot. No matter what age you are, while you need to use gut, intuition, judgement, and boundaries with knowledge of red flags, you can’t project your problems or negative beliefs or emotions on the relationship.

You can’t be in a new relationship, treating him like an ex, or making assumptions about him – you need to treat him as you find him.

When you get negative results from what you continue to actively pursue, you don’t get to be right and blame men, the dating pool, or any of the whole host of reasons that we come up with for why things aren’t working out, because you are armed with a significant amount of knowledge and you have decided to, for instance, turn right instead of left.

It’s not that sh*t behaviour from another party is not sh* behaviour, but you are “I know that I can walk 10 miles and cross safely to the other side of the road, but I’m lonely, time is running out, everyone else is younger and fitter than me, and damnit, I hate feeling like this, so I’m going to cross here, even though I know that I am very likely to get run down by the very fast oncoming traffic.

I should point out that the ones who are actually enjoying their lives and a relationship are the ones that made a positive decision to spend some time on their own, break old patterns, rebuild their lives, and redefine themselves in a positive, loving context. I am not here to invalidate anyone’s feelings – you feel what you feel, keeping in mind that you are actually able to identify what you feel and attribute the right word to it.

Make sure you spend time with friends, make sure you enjoy family, make sure you have things outside of whatever dalliance you’re having, because if you don’t, the likelihood of serious problems, especially with your self-esteem, will increase. You’ve made the choice not to spend the time on you so don’t then try to exert control and force someone else to change.

I’ll say it again – you’ve made the choice to go down this route and it has been said time and time again, that unfounded and too high expectations and the impact of forcing and hoping for change is a major derailment factor.

8) Leave sex out of the equation until you have established a relationship. Sex is not companionship, especially when you get the sex, and it’s great but they disappear and leave you with problems, or it’s crap and they leave you with problems, or they stick around, and you still have problems.

Sex complicates things and you could spare yourself some headache for a little while by ‘just’ dating.

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